Life sucks sometimes.
The last year has sucked. Pretty much everything has sucked.
The truth is that life has been filled with heartache, just like everyone else experiences. I have been through some really bad stuff in my time. Stuff that I never want to share here. All that stuff makes up who I am as a person. Like me or not, I am composed of all of my life experiences; good, bad, and ugly.
But, the last year has been really tough.
In one week, the anniversary of our miscarriage will be staring me in the face when I look at the calendar. Not that it really matters on that particular day. It has been on my mind heavily since the month changed over. As soon as I started saying August it was there, stuck in the back of mind eating away at my soul. The pain of our loss is haunting me more now that time has passed than it did when it happened. The grief is catching up to me and it is hitting me hard.
As I have written in earlier posts, our family is struggling financially in a pretty major way. Not the kind of way that stops when I give up Starbucks or curb my shopping habits. Our financial problems are way deeper than that. We are drowning and the stress of it has been killing us. Like I said, life sucks sometimes.
It is hard to write these words on the screen. I fear people judging me, I fear being humiliated, I fear being hurt. But, sometimes you just have to write what you know is the truth. Here goes.
I am battling severe depression.
This depression is taking over my body and mind in a way that it never has before. I have always had depression. Sometimes it worse than other times, but it has always been a part of who I am. It is an inherited condition. My father committed suicide during a particularly bad episode of alcoholism and depression. My uncle also committed suicide many years ago. Our family is (was) riddled with this hideous disease. The one thing that keeps me going is the fact that my children would hurt in ways that only a child who has experienced this can understand. I have been there, and I cannot ever allow my children to feel that pain.
This bout of depression has been changing who I am. I have quit my job, with people I used to believe were friends because I simply cannot take anymore. I am moody, and angry, and sad, and anxious, and scared, and frustrated. All at the same time. I do not sleep. I barely smile and when I do it most usually fake. I spend every moment trying to restrain the tears that trying to break free. I keep trying to stay strong, even though I know how weak I feel emotionally.
My hope has been depleted. I feel helpless and broken most of the time. Life has been kicking my butt and I don’t know how to fix that. Most of the time I look around and everything looks hopeless. I can’t have a baby. I can’t pay my bills. I can’t be happy. All those things have converged to turn me into a total mess. I feel like a misanthropic version of my old self. I have become so angry and so bitter for all that life has thrown at me while I watch others piss away the blessings they have. I don’t know how I got to this point.
The point of this whole story was to explain why I am grateful today.
I ran this Indiegogo campaign a few weeks back. Honestly, I never anticipated anyone reaching out. I am not good at asking for help. It embarrasses me that I have been reduced to ask people who don’t know or care about my problems for help. I should be able to take care of myself. At least that is what I feel. So, I started this campaign, expecting nothing and having reservations about doing it in the first place. Kind of a double edged sword. I need help. I don’t want to need help. But, I really need help sort of situation.
From this Indiegogo, I had someone reach out privately. This person offered more than money. They offered knowledge and a stepping point to get our lives back together and moving in a positive direction. That person will never know how much that simple act of kindness means to someone who is battling depression. The notion that a practical stranger cares enough to help another human being is something that I needed to experience. I needed to have my faith in people restored. I needed to know that I am not alone in this world. I needed to know someone cared.
Follow that up with a monetary donation that surprised me this morning when I opened my email. That was a moment that really made me step back from myself for a moment. After all the anger and resentment that I have built up during this episode, someone made me rethink my feelings. To that person, I will be grateful. The dark spot in my life has gotten a little less dark because of you. Thank you for showing me that the world isn’t such an awful place and that the people around me are more caring than I believed possible. Thank you for restoring my hope.